So, as my previous FB post has confirmed, I am pregnant with our first child. I’ve had a lot of conflicting emotions ever since finding out we were pregnant—about not only having kids, but parenting, child-bearing and other similar topics.
As a disclaimer, I feel like it’s incumbent upon me to clarify that I am not a typical member of the Church. Now what does that mean exactly? Well, I’ve often felt out of place with certain cultural norms and expectations that go on within the Church—and to be clear, I’m not saying this is anyone’s fault. This is just the nature of any community or organization. But I feel like I have to emphasize that before I go any farther in this blog post.
So with that being said, I’d like people who read this to have an open mind and understand that part of the reason why I’m even sharing these feelings and perspectives is because I’m hoping there are other members of the Church out there who maybe can commiserate a little bit and feel a little less alone or less like a misfit (as I have and continue to feel at times).
To start off with, I’m not what most people would call the “mothering” type. Let me explain. When I was 12 in Young Women’s, I heard many other girls excited to get married and have lots of kids. I remember wanting to get married and having that be the experience I’d look forward to the most. I was pretty boy crazy and couldn’t wait to find someone who I’d wake up next to every morning for the rest of forever. But as far as the kids aspect of marriage & family... I never really thought that far ahead. I looked forward to getting married, but as far as having kids—I kind of shrugged my shoulders and thought “yeah sure, I guess.”
Sure I’d babysit on occasion, and I loved being an aunt (still do). But I never remember having this hunger to have kids of my own.
I was content being an aunt, because I love my nieces and nephews and enjoyed spending my time with them.
Fast forward through my teens and twenties, I ended up getting married and after about 2 years the topic of “when to have kids” inevitably came up. I went back and forth with for a long time. On the one hand, I love my mother and cherished every experience with her. She taught me so much about compassion and patience. She took me on amazing trips to Hawaii and the UK, and really gave me a taste of how wonderful travelling is. She exposed me to amazing cultures and expanded my horizons both mentally and spiritually. And so much more. She was and still is an incredible mother and I knew I wanted to be a mom just like her.
On the other hand, I never had much of a desire to have kids. The older I got, it felt like that desire dissipated more and more until I was barely lukewarm about the idea. I loved working with the YW, I loved my nieces and nephews, but the idea of having kids never sparked anything other than anxious indifference.
So, I prayed. I talked with my mom and my husband. And I’m gonna be honest, I really didn’t get a burning, unmistakable answer about having kids and if this was the right time etc etc. I guess maybe because I already knew the answer to my concerns, so maybe what I was really praying for was peace. Peace to know that even though I didn’t have the desire to have kids, that I was still doing the right thing.
I never really got an answer, though I will say going home to Georgia and holding my newest nephew, Gerrit (who is the cuddliest, sweetest, chillest baby ever) definitely helped. So I’m going on a leap of faith here. Knowing we’re having a baby girl (when I secretly wanted a little girl first) also helped, but I still struggle at times with feelings like “what have I done?” And “Can I really do this?”
It’s probably hard for a lot of people to understand, especially those who’ve always wanted to have kids, or have always been a natural, nurturing mothering type. But, for me, and I’m assuming for maybe other women as well within the Church, it’s not as cut and dry. It’s not as simple as all that.
People would come up to me and say something along the lines of “Oh you must be so excited!” And the truth is, comments like that kind of made me feel guilty because I wouldn’t necessarily call it “exciting,” at least for me. Exciting is like going to Europe, or flying an airplane for the first time. Having a baby is a HUGE deal, a huge step, and something that can cause a lot of heartache, frustration and pain. Yes, of course it’s also wonderful and fulfilling, but I wouldn’t call it exciting.
Complex. Complicated. New. Different. Terrifying. Poignant. Emotional. Those are better words to begin to describe what I’m feeling.
There are other issues I have that I’ve discovered being pregnant, one of which is the whole “Milestone Club,” that happens within the culture of the Church. It’s the “We’ll take you seriously now that you share our same life experience as us.” Or the “Just you wait till XYZ happens.” Or the “We’ll now listen to your opinion now that you’ve become an ‘adult.’” I feel for my friends who aren’t married or don’t have kids for whatever reason, because I know they must feel excluded at times from conversations because their life has taken a different turn than others around them.
So, yeah. Like I said. Lots of thoughts and lots of things ruminating in my brain since I’ve been pregnant. Not sure what to make of any of them, but I decided it was better to get them out than have them just sitting stagnant in my head this whole time.
Dunno if this post has unsettled anyone or made anyone uncomfortable. It’s not my intention. But I do feel like there isn’t room for other people’s opinions & perspectives on things like motherhood, parenting, marriage etc. I’ve seen people immediately get uptight because an opinion being shared isn’t “normal” or isn’t the “Sunday school answer.” That saddens me. And I hope that we can have a better, more open dialogue that has room for everyone’s different point of view.
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